When it comes to extracting karma, there’s nothing like the internet to level the get-even playing field.
If there’s one thing corporate restaurant and retail chains have perfected, it’s the art of enabling cowards and entitled internet warriors with the ability to elevate their petty grievances without the nuisance of having to confront an actual breathing human being in the process. Thanks to the omnipresent Contact Us buttons on corporate websites, any crusty turdclump wearing a cowpie as a chip on their shoulder can now log on and abuse any hourly service worker from the safety of their anonymous computer screens instead of attempting to get them fired to their actual face.
Or so they think.
Too many online complainers are little more than serial bargain junkies looking for their next coupon fix. In the ongoing quest to satisfy their discount jones, these markdown minions have a take-no-prisoners outlook as long as they get theirs. And it’s that precise mentality that exposes them where they least expect it.
In order to receive the gift certificates they feel entitled to, these rebate nobjockeys have to turn over the one thing that exposes them the most to potential retribution – their personal information. The data you release to the World Wide Web is only as secure as those you surrender it to, and there’s often nothing more public than your address lying around unguarded on a person’s computer screen whom you’ve just chastised and abused.
And here’s why.
Restaurant and retail managers are not in the hospitality business. They are primarily in the dealing with complaints business. It’s amazing how many douchebags with a gripe are under the impression that someone ten states removed from them in a corporate office is going to stop everything they’re doing to address their miniscule rant. In reality, what most of these coupon hunting pricksacks fail to realize is that their attempts to bypass the local level are immediately dropped in the laps of the very people they’re trying to avoid in the first place. So that form you just filled out complaining about how so-and-so completely ruined your shopping or dining experience most often gets summarily rerouted back to the store or restaurant you’re trashing, and they’re required by their Regional Managers to have the first crack at making you go away as quickly and quietly as possible. In the end you may end up with the gift card you’re begging for, but you also have to cough up your address, email and phone number to get it.
Now here’s where the fun begins.
Mr. TC and his entitled friend recently came into the restaurant on a Sunday night where I currently work. They bypassed the dining room, opting instead for stools at the bar. They ordered a couple of glasses of wine and left after downing them. The following day, ol’ TC began his gift card fishing excursion by sending the following diatribe through the corporate complaint line.
EMAIL COMMENTS: Message: We stopped in Place Where I Work for a glass of wine, taking two seats at the end of the bar. We both noticed several Place Where I Work employees seated at the bar, eating dinner. One was close to us, while there were a few more at the other end, near the server’s station. We placed our order with the bartendress. After about 10 minutes another waiter arrived (either ending or beginning his shift) and took a seat next to my friend. That’s the beginning of us being ignored by the bartendress. Her focus and that of the other bartendress, was to engage two male waiters seated next to us and begin gossiping about work and workers. One could not help but overhear everything being said due to the proximity of the gossipers to us. My friend and I thought it very strange that a restaurant the likes of Place Where I Work allows its staff to be seated at the bar, either to take in a meal during break or to have a beer/cocktail after shift. First, it’s extremely unprofessional. Second, the three male waiters we saw were taking up valuable real estate at the bar that rightly should go to paying customers. Third, we were ignored as the men were center of attention. Upon leaving, we told the host…
And at that point ol’ TC had reached his bitching word limit and was summarily cut off, as even the internet gods have only so much tolerance for liars and bullies.
The next afternoon, ol’ TC was contacted via phone by a Guest Relations Representative at the home office. She politely listened to his plea for the freebie which would assuredly soothe his mistreated soul, and instead offered him a sincere apology due to his only ordering a couple glasses of cheap wine and no food to go with it. But not being one to accept defeat so easily, ol’ TC promptly hopped back on the internet bitch line and swung for the fences again, further complaining how “the host said he was sorry and that the next time we came in he could guarantee that we’d not witness staff seated at the bar, however he did not take down our names or go chasing after the manager.”
After numerous attempts to get every employee he encountered that evening either reprimanded or fired, ol’ TC ended up being sent the gift card he so sorely coveted just to make him shut the fuck up and take his perpetual butthurt on to his next unsuspecting victim. But in addition to his future comp, ol’ TC was also sent an additional reward for his efforts.
But we’ll get to that in a moment.
First, let’s realistically address ol’ TC’s allegations. The employees who were seated at the bar were actually workers from a neighboring restaurant who occasionally wind down by patronizing our watering hole when they get off work. And what they wear and discuss when they are away from their place of employment is their own business. If you don’t like the conversation you’re ear-hustling on that you weren’t invited to, move your pompous ass to a seat where your sensibilities won’t be so easily offended. It’s a bar and people discuss their problems in it. So the valuable real estate you bemoan as being “lost” was occupied by paying customers just like yourself, you gift-card-fishing queefwallet. You would have known that had you actually asked to speak to the manager you accused of ignoring you instead of hiding like a coward behind a computer screen after the fact. And that individual you offensively referred to as a bartendress gave you every opportunity to do what most normal people who come to restaurants do, which is eat and drink. You were presented a menu, served the beverage of your choice and given the option of ordering whatever your heart desired. At no point is it in her job description to figuratively hold your hand or literally stroke you in the manner you’ve apparently become accustomed to while engaging in your online porn hobby. Oh, and the host you chastised also did what he is required to do – address your concerns, no matter how infantile. Your complaints were handled on several occasions by numerous individuals, yet you still found it necessary to continue jeopardizing people’s employment until you got what you came for – a free pass so we can all look forward to dealing with your horrible persona again in the near future. Lucky us.
Enter: I Poop You dot com.
IPoopYou.com is a San Francisco based company that specializes in delivering high quality, farm raised, eco-friendly, hand-picked animal poop to that special deserving someone on anyone’s get-even list. There are numerous varieties from which to choose, including Cow Chocolate Pudding, Horse Spring-Rolls, Oink-Oink Turds, Chicken Delights and Goat Bites. Every poop arrives at its destination in a beautiful gift box including a leak-proof container that keeps the aroma always fresh & smelly. You can also add a personalized card, or remain anonymous if it’s to your advantage to do so. In addition, a UPS tracking number is sent when the package has been mailed so you can follow your poop selection all the way to its recipient’s doorstep. When it comes to professional delivery, these people are certainly the shit.
Now I would never be one to suggest that someone like ol’ TC either deserves or was sent a steaming heap of dung to the home address that was readily obtained from his ridiculous complaint where he unnecessarily targeted random individuals who were just doing their jobs while he was lobbying for a complimentary gift card he didn’t deserve. Nor would I imply that he is the sort of entitled individual who is more than likely a serial complainer who regularly harasses people at their places of employment when they are at their most vulnerable and least likely able to fight back. And I would never, ever, advocate that the tables should be turned whenever the opportunity presents itself on these type of schmucks who cowardly attempt to get free shit by making sure they receive exactly just that.
What I am suggesting, however, is that if you go through life unnecessarily dumping on people merely for your own gain then don’t be surprised when the karmic crap boomerangs back in your face. Or lands on your doorstep.